i last blogged on 25 April 2007. at that point, i was at a crossroad in my life and feeling rather lost; torn between a new love and a bound-commitment to work.
needless to say, i've been extremely tied up with the ups and downs of life and much has happened since. so yes, hello world, indeed!
Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite...
...Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.
- Kahlil Gibran on Reason and Passion -
as i lay in bed awake at this godforsaken hour, i am thankful at how lucky we are. ilaika actually sleeps thru the night pretty well, unlike those stories of babies crying thru the night. she feeds at 7pm, sleeps from 8pm til about midnight when she has a short feed and then sleeps again. she doesn't wake up until 6am. early bird, unlike her daddy.
the silly billy in me wakes up constantly to check on her, contemplating if i should wake her up and feed her. however, each time, her angelic sleeping face wins me over. who would have the heart to disturb her peaceful slumber…
At 3am on Monday, less then 24 hours after my last blog, I found myself in the delivery suite of Pantai Medical Centre. Strapped to the bed, there was not much for us to do but wait and wait and wait. Come sunrise, I was still not feeling any pain from the supposed contractions I was having. The only pain I had was the discomfort and numbing of my bum!
At noon, Dr P had me on the drip for induction (the IV needle hurt like hell!) and at 3pm, I started feeling pain. Refusing an epidural (for fear of a large needle and immobility), I took a jab of penthidine, which had me snoring away to Zain’s hypnotherapy music for the next three hours. According to him, as the jab wore off, I woke up in pain every few minutes, only to doze off snoring in between contractions!
At 6pm, the actual delivery process began.
At 10.15pm, after loads of silent pushing, a failed vacuum attempt, a forceps procedure and many many stitches, Zaleia Ilaika was born. She weighed 3.09kg (6lbs 13oz) and was 48.3cm in length. Oddly enough, as they plonked her literally bloody body on my chest, all I could focus on was the large blob of mucus on her thigh! And then it hit me, this was our baby…the little angel we’d waited for. After that, everything was quite a blur. Baby started shrieking (yes, very healthy set of lungs!) as they took her to be cleaned up and I breathed in the gas to distract me from all the “other” activity going on down there. How ironic that I only needed a painkiller after the actual delivery!
At midnight, they wheeled me back to the suite. Shortly after, baby arrived, peacefully asleep. Only then, did both sets of anxious “toks” leave.
At 2am, it was finally just us. Daddy, Mummy and baby Ilaika. We had come a long way for this moment. And it was worth the while for finally, our little angel was born…
Come midnight tonight, my baby will be a full 39 weeks. Yes, I have not popped yet.
As the pregnancy ticker says above, “My mummy is bigger than a house…she’s threatening legal action if I don’t come out soon!” – my thoughts precisely! (Disclaimer: I DO NOT have hemorrhoids and the runs...ewww!)
The whole of this trimester has been a waiting game…a very nerve wrecking one indeed. At one point a month ago, I was so nervous about the labour and the baby that I said I’d be perfectly fine to keep her in my womb. Me and my big mouth. Now baby seems quite comfortable there and quite reluctant to leave the comfort of mummy dearest. Problem is, the more comfortable she gets, the more uncomfortable her mummy gets!
During the CNY hols, Zain and I went for coffee with a friend. As soon as he saw me, he laughed out loud and said, “God, you look like shit. I guess the pregnancy finally hit you after nine months!” He was right! I thought I’d escaped the horror stories, when suddenly, I developed eczema-like rashes on my tummy, lost my sense of smell cos my nose was perpetually blocked, couldn’t stop coughing at night, had aching nerves on the left cheek of my butt (!) and walked around like a zombie during the day cos of the lack of sleep. So yes, if you bump into me, don’t be surprised that I look like shit!
After the agonising wait of nine and a half months, at week 38, Dr P said we were on stand by, so we moved to Tok’s house in Kenny Hills (for my confinement period). We got everything ready and in place. A week came and went and I still had not popped.
Yet another visit to Dr P’s yesterday indicated that her head is even more fully and heavily engaged. Again, he said we are on stand by. However, if baby is still in her comfort zone next week, Dr P threatened to induce by the 14th! It was quite funny that as soon as he said that, the baby started squirming, as if she knew she was in trouble! Ha ha..
But for now, we’re back to the waiting game and everyday, we ask the baby – are we there yet?
Today was the first day since I started this “new job” that I actually spent the whole day doing housewifey things. To begin with, I woke up early, made sure the house was clean, sorted out the laundry and ironing, did the groceries and after lunch, started cooking for hubby’s dinner! And in between all that, I even managed to squeeze in a manicure and pedicure :)
Without a doubt, close friends and hubby will be bound to raise an eyebrow or two at this over-achievement in domestication. So yes, I have to admit – I cheated…somewhat. Tiny little factor that I left out – my part-time magic wand, also known as “the maid”! She did the cleaning, laundry and ironing. I just instructed. However, I did do the groceries (with the maid pushing the cart and carrying the bags) and I did cook the dinner (with the maid chopping and cleaning). Hey, there’s no crime in having much-appreciated help!
So – is taitai-dom really for me? Well, only if according to the definition in my previous entry, with the essentials being:
1. the presence of a maid (to do all the nitty gritty chores – which taitai in her right mind would risk ruining her perfectly painted French manicure?), and of course,
2. a considerable amount of wealth (to maintain and service those oh-so-delicate nails, amongst other luxurious necessities!).
Seeing as I’ve only got one out of these two essentials, it looks like it’ll be some time more before I graduate to become a professional in this “career”! For now, I’ll be happy appreciating the once in a blue moon indulgences like today.
Having said that however, there is a part of me that fears the effects on one’s brain after too much inactivity and disconnection from the “real world”. I actually know a taitai that has so much time and money, that she has spent the past year renovating her new house. It’s still nowhere near completion, as she can’t decide how she’d like her house to be i.e. she’s changed interior decorators three times and painted the walls four different colours! As Ennius, the father of Roman poetry wrote, “the idle mind knows not what it wants”. Indecision is probably the least to be feared. Imagine what else could happen…
Another problem with taitai-dom as we know it, is that it contradicts one of the principles I’ve stuck to all these years – that in a relationship, no one person should be financially dependent on the other.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no women’s lib activist. I just believe that we should always be ready for the surprises that life throws our way and as we all know, they come in all sorts of unfathomable “shapes and sizes”.
In other words, I’d like the cake and eat it too. After all, what is the cake for if not to eat?! So now begins the quest to attain the nirvana of “financial freedom cum taitai-dom”…
It has been exactly a month and a half since I’ve taken time off real work and started my probationary “new job” of being a taitai. One of the “KPIs” I’ve set is to clear all old junk in anticipation of the “promotion” ahead i.e. baby and a “new” life called mummyhood. One of the sub-tasks involves deleting old emails no longer needed.
I’d like to share this email I wrote to some close friends back in my singleton days, a couple of years ago (yes, it’s amazing how far back my emails go!!) :
some people call it a housewife, others prefer to call it 'woman of leisure'. the article below calls it tai tai.
you see, more than ever now, the struggle in this vicious rat race just doesn't appeal to me at all. so whatever you may call it, yes that's what i wanna be and though some may still say it's sad, i'm no longer embarrassed to say that!
...read on and i'm pretty sure some of you'll agree with me....sigh...
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The last 100 years have been golden ones for the female sex really. During that span of time we got the vote, got the right to go to schools and added university degrees and Oxford PhDs to the list of 'Women Can Do' without slaughtering, maiming or killing anybody.
Well, okay ... maybe a bit of illegal protesting and bra burning. Lately, we've chalked up more milestones in the business world as Hewlett Packard became the first big name tech player to appoint a woman CEO and according to news reports, more than 27% of new businesses being launched are being headed by women.
The result of all this history is that women of today's generation have grown up with strong ideas about being career women. In secondary school canteens, we dreamt of careers as lawyers, accountants and engineers, earning pots of money and somewhere along the way, meeting the suitably qualified tertiary educated Prince Charming who drove a nice middle class car.
The thought of becoming a housewife was filed away under 'Stupid Harebrained Things Which Only Dumb Females Consider Doing'. Five years, a university degree and a couple of years working experience later, some of us are finding that gulp, we take it all back. Really...all we want is to be tai-tais...
The truth is that working is a drudgery. Having a boss is like having PMS except it's every working day of the week (and that's 5 days a week x 4 weeks a month x 12 months a year).
Nine to five hours are a miserable experience. Paperwork is asinine, endless and sometimes, verges on pointlessness. And oh yes, finding new ways to be idle without being caught probably should be national employee pastime No 1.
For gifts last year, we gave each other copies of Dilbert's The Joy of Work for laughs. Bringing home the bacon doesn't have a magical satisfying feel any more because you're too tired and brain dead to even contemplate frying it yourself.
You consider throwing yourself into your work and becoming one of those amazing females who makes the cover of Women @ Work but decide after taking into consideration the total loss of personal time, absolute lack of a social life and general all round hard work you need to do to achieve that goal, coupled with the glass ceiling factor, finding a good husband who will bring home not just bacon but the whole damned pig seems the easier and faster road to good times.
It's about gym workouts with a personal trainer, having facials and pamper sessions at the masseuse.
It's being able to go on a vacation at the drop of a hat without having to apply for leave, wait for it to be approved and then have your boss whine about how it's a bad time to be taking time off.
Tai-taidom doesn't have to be dull either.
After all, as a lady of leisure, you will have time to undertake all the hobbies, interests and skill improvements that you always wanted to do but never had the time or money to. Read all those books you meant to read all those years ago but never found the time. Travel and see the world. Learn how to sing, play a musical instrument - write a sex and shopping novel.
Tai-taidom is the chance to discover and exploit your hidden talents and well, find self-improvement. Take typing classes.
Wait a second – weren't these the sort of exploits of gentile young ladies of the Elizabethan 18th Century? The play a musical instrument and learn how to sing is almost straight out of the pages of Jane Austen's books isn't it?
Tai-taidom is a step backwards for women surely? (Elizabeth Candy Staunton would be rolling in a grave over this one, you think?)
Yes and no.
Modern tai-tais have probably got it much better since corsets were condemned and well, Elizabeth Bennett would certainly have appreciated having the vote and being given the chance to go to university and as well as marry Mr Darcy and be lady of leisure at some large house with sprawling grounds.
Modern tai-tais aren't tai-tais by virtue of their gender or because they can't be anything else - they're tai-tais by choice.
And being a tai-tai doesn't mean all the equality we fought for and the right to sit at the table and express your views while pounding the table with your immaculately manicured nails just vanishes overnight.
Rather, it's having the best of both types of worlds that women have experienced.
Which brings us of course to the one fly in the whole becoming a tai-tai ointment. Alas, achieving tai-taidom is somewhat a more tenuous uphill task.
If you thought winning the vote was a toughie, wait till you get to finding a decent good husband who makes enough money for you to live the life of a tai-tai. Need we repeat again how good men are hard to find? Even the cads and bounders are hard to come by these days. Tai-taidom is an elusive fairy tale ending that like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, is the exception rather than the rule.
The moral of the story at the end of the day? Screw the knight in shining armour or liberated sensitive new age man - just gimme a husband who can afford to keep me in the style and manner in which I would like to be accustomed to...and I will cook all his meals and let him put up his feet when he comes home...
Tai-taidom, here I come!
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Year after year, my birthday usually leaves me quite depressed, as most people (including me) are usually back at work after extended leave and freshly broke from Christmas and New Year celebrations. So two weeks ago, when Zain asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, I told him I’d leave it to him to plan something.
My choices are limited. Now, we actually have to think of “responsible” ways to celebrate! This is most definitely a sign of getting old.
Gone are those simple days when the only option we had was to get drunk and dance the night away (well, I’m sure we had other options – our young age just made us oblivious to them!). The only thing that came close to a dilemma was “Where?”…and even then, it usually ended up being the new spot in town…because back then, there only used to be one place (or if we were lucky, two) that was the so-called in place to be seen. Not like nowadays – there are so many choices that you can even go club hopping without even getting into the car. This must be nature’s ironic sense of humour…as the options for clubs and bars increase, my options decrease.
Apart from the obvious smoke pollution to the lil one’s lungs, can you imagine a heavily pregnant gal dancing the night away? Exactly…I rest my case.
So two days ago, Zain announced that we’ll be doing a simple bbq at our place. According to him, I didn’t have to do anything cos he’d handle it.
Guess what I did on Thursday and most of Friday? Groceries, cooking (laksa Johor – Zain’s choice, Italian lamb stew with salad and potato salad – my choice), baking (brownies – Zain’s choice, prune pudding – my choice), coordinating with my bro/mum (to bring over the grill, plates, water cooler etc), prepared handmade personalised bookmarks for each guest. What a hero!
What did Zain do? Fetch the maid, played XBox360, marinate the chicken and steaks (both marinate and meats bought by me, though he did play the driver role!), played XBox360, shopping (for my pressie). What a hero!
When the first guests arrived, a part of me thought the night was destined to be disastrous – to begin with, there was no ice and it started raining. Thankfully, hubby’s “exceptionally excellent party planning” skills eventually came together and it did turn out to be an enjoyable night…surprisingly! (Touché hubby dearest!)
So this year’s birthday didn’t turn out as depressing as many of the others. Tiring (!) but not depressing. Many thanks, hugs and kisses to everyone for helping out, turning up and for all the lovely presents.
Kudos to Zain and Happy Birthday to me...
These days, we find so many things “expressed” for our convenience e.g. 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, 3-in-1 coffee etc. Ironically, 2006 ended with a 2-in-1 of its own – Hari Raya Haji and New Year countdown in the same day!
So on the morning of 31 December 2006, we gathered at Tok’s house for our ritual makan-makan, all dressed in traditional baju melayu and baju kurung, like the angels we all are.
Then at night, the devils came out to play! Well, kinda…
You see, one of the signs of getting old is when you decide to group together at a friend's place to celebrate new year’s with their family. Just to warn you by the way, that you’ll probably come across more signs of getting old in my future blogs. Yes, I am at that crossroad in my life when most of the choices I make seem to spur up a surprise reaction from deep within…”My god, I’m getting old!”
Yes – going to town, strugling with traffic, paying exorbitant prices and squeezing through crowds for dear life, just seems like too much hassle for one night. Plus of course, we have our own bed to go home to, so no need for an excuse to sneak around like we did during our dating days :p
I don't know whether I speak for all, but for me, it's comforting to know that the year ended with family, friends who are ok with being silly in front of one another (yes, this year ended with a home-karaoke session - like all other gatherings at Jacq's place - with our version of Bohemian Rhapsody and also the baptism of "Fiddy Zain"), people I love and people I enjoy being with. It gives me that feel-good, warm feeling inside...like drinking hot choc with marshmallow in winter!
Here’s to great friendships and cheers to the promises of 2007…
A recent conversation with hubby dearest brought to mind an old song – a classic favourite from my childhood days…back when musicals were aplenty, fairly educational and dare I say, filled with innocence and simplicity. Unlike the highly commercialised High School Musical's of nowadays. But that in itself is another topic altogether!
Back to the above mentioned conversation. Apparently, it took three entries before Zain decided to check out my blog and his comment took me by surprise:
“I read your blog. It was good – surprisingly. In fact, it was intelligent and funny. Surprisingly…”
Gee, thanks honey! More than 2 years of marriage and it takes a blog for my hubby to realise he’s married to an intelligent person with a good sense of humour :p
Slightly offended, it nevertheless made me smile as compliments don’t come easy from my jack of all trades (and master of quite a bit too!). And to be fair, there are a lot things I’m still learning about him myself!
This just goes to show that you never really truly know someone; that relationships are really one big learning curve, minute by minute, day by day. If only it was as simple as looking in the mirror; where what you see is what you get. Tough luck. Reflections are all there are…nothing more, nothing less.
Knowing this, one may choose two differing paths. On one hand is the slightly harsh, pessimistic and a little too realistic point of view, which is to hold oneself back and trust no one – they may just pull a "now you see me, now you don’t" act (now chipsmore comes to mind!). On the other hand, there’s the optimistic point of view, which is to wake up each morning and look forward to what else there is to learn, to embrace (and eventually love or reluctantly put up with) both the good and the bad and to choose every minute to love the person you’re with. Call me Pollyanna but I’d like to think that if this path had a soundtrack, it'd be this:
Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.
Getting to know you,
Putting it my way,
But nicely,
You are precisely,
My cup of tea.
Getting to know you,
Getting to feel free and easy
When I am with you,
Getting to know what to say
Haven't you noticed
Suddenly I'm bright and breezy?
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day by day…
This pic was taken a few minutes into 2006. After several rounds of drinks and mega-competitive win-lose-or-draw, we wished goodbye to 2005 and welcomed 2006.
Little did we know of what was in store for us, as we ushered the new year in. Among them were (in no particular order and reference): the start of a sitcom, drama & series, a renewed hosting career, the winning of accomplished awards, mothers falling ill, a new and unexpected relationship, the promise of a baby, the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of participating in a reality show, anxiety attacks and breakdowns, taitaidom and many, many more.
It’s been almost a year since and it’s that time of the year again. How time flies…
This is also the time of year when people reflect on the good and bad of the previous year and make vows, also known as the “R” word – RESOLUTIONS!
I personally have never been one to make new year resolutions. To be honest, I do start off with good intentions. The usual suspects would come up but I always had a reason to cross it off my list…guilty as charged!
* Quit smoking – Whatever for! I enjoy it too much…
* Get organised – Nah, are you kidding me? What you see is an organised mess…I know exactly where everything is.
* Shop less – Shopping is not a bad thing – repeat over again and again. Besides, retail therapy is good for the mind and soul!
* Lose weight – I’m not that fat…just voluptuous! Hahahaha!
* And the list goes on…as do the denial statements! You get the picture…
Now, for the reality check:
> Smoking – I finally ended this ten-year relationship – more cos of guilt than of my own will. Irregardless, I do deserve a pat on the back. Lots of pats! It’s been slightly over 6 clean months now and I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss it. Sadly enough, I still feel the void it’s left behind. So pathetic, some might say! A part of me is soooo looking forward to after I pop to have my next ciggie. Another part of me is telling me that I’ve been such a good girl and I’ve come thus far, it’d be such a waste to start again. Oh well, only time will tell…
> Get organised – Does getting a maid count? She's really really good...
> Shopping – I shopped lots :) this year; I’ve had good reasons to – bigger clothes (for this ever expanding tummy), pregnancy stuff (health food, extra pillows, lotions and creams, natural products) etc. It’s amazing how many things there are available out there and supposedly necessary for pregnant mums. Can’t use this, can’t do that, blah, blah, blah. I wonder how the previous generation got by. According to mum, back then, they never had any of these concerns and look at how we turned out. She does have a point! Still, just to be safe, it’s been all natural products for me and baby! And lately, my shopping has diversified to baby stuff. I know now why a cousin of mine once told me that ever since she had kids, she’s spent less on herself. Firstly, baby stuff ain’t cheap! Secondly, there are so many things to buy – all of which are soooo cute! Yes, I reiterate – retail therapy IS good.
> Lose weight – Hahahaha!!! I have put on 6kg. I mean, the baby has put on 6kg – she is very bulat :p
Seeing as how unexpected the above turned out, I think I might have to give this whole resolutions thing a bit more thought. More on this in blogs to come (yes, I'm getting the hang of blogging!!).
So as the year comes to an end, I find myself neither ecstatically happy nor extremely sad; I thank god for the blessings he has graciously granted and humbly surrender to the challenges he has presented. And with that, I look forward to the promise of a new year.
Ta ta 2006…
I used to occasionally wonder if conceiving would be easy or if I’d face problems. Not that I was asking for it…but I hear tales and it just made me ponder over the possibility. After all, one can never be too sure. And to be fair, we did put it off for two years. What I definitely did not bank on was getting preggers as soon as we thought of trying!
It was a sweet surprise but one that hit me quite hard. There I was – suddenly overwhelmed and faced with the dilemma of making major lifestyle changes, some immediately and some more in the not too near future. One thing that was for certain was that life as I knew it would never quite be the same again. And suddenly, I doubted if I was really ready…
First on the list were the fags and the booze. The latter was easy. Despite being teased as an “alcho” by some, there were no second thoughts over this vice. The former took a bit more courage but my guilt got the better of me and within a day, I ended that ten-year bittersweet relationship. sigh...two thumbs up for me :p
The next thing on my list was to brace myself for all those scary stories of first trimester pregnancy blues – where some are bed ridden for three months straight and others practically move into the toilet!
I must be “one of the chosen ones” though. Ok – maybe not the most appropriate choice of words. You see, apparently only a small percentage of women are lucky enough to not have morning sickness. And surprisingly, I was one of them. Mum didn’t experience it either, so it could be genetic. But still, you can never be too sure so I waited…
and I waited…
and I waited…
and it never came!
The only symptoms I experienced were fatigue (which was a great excuse to sleep!), a bionic sense of smell (I swear I could smell Zain’s sports deodorant miles away – through walls and doors!) and a great big appetite (although I suspect this was more of my sweet tooth using the pregnancy as an excuse to binge…oink oink!).
Of course, being the constant worry wart that I am, I just had to check with trusty mr googles – and lo and behold, I found something to worry about: apparently, women who suffer less morning sickness or none at all, are three times more likely to miscarry than those who did!! Oh great…I don’t know why I find things to worry about. And so, worry I did for those first few months.
And before I knew it, my little blob turned into a slightly more distinguishable blob with a head and a body!
This is the little angel at just over 11 weeks (and 3 kgs on! oink oink again!). Only then did it really hit me that I was pregnant and my angel was here to stay.
And that’s how I breezed thru the first trimester...
I did, didn’t I? I started the blog and then I abandoned it...again! I sense an unhealthy pattern going on here. My only saving grace being with each attempt, I get further than the previous attempt. And I say that with my fingers crossed.
It has been two months since my first and last blog! And silly me did not even know that so many people had left comments! Oops! Isn’t Friendster supposed to notify me when someone leaves a comment?? I guess not. Aaanyways, thank you soooo much for all those comments. If only I’d read them sooner! Now that I’ve read them, I definitely want to write more. For starters:
Luqman – Godfather huh? Only if you promise to cook gourmet meals for me all the time (you still owe me one)…and also fancy hors d'oeuvres for the baby’s birthday bashes!
Moe – Yes, BOYS will always be BOYS! And yes, we’ve come a long way from those basic days, haven’t we?! Must catch up when you come back – you can be cool Uncle Moe!
Jo – With reference to the “very the ong” name, I’m not sure I’d be too happy to see my baby follow in his namesake’s footsteps – all dressed in speedos and performing ballet (what on earth were you thinking??) but thanks for the thought dear!
Mrika – Thanks for the note of support – will message you separately i.e. the gynae matters ;)
Adeline, Lyn & Izan – Thank you for the well wishes!
And back to the current blog – it is with great delight and shameless glee, that I inform you that I am now officially on “extended leave” until I pop in March, at which time I will have 2 months maternity leave. All in all, that’s close to half a year off work – yay! (Farez, if you’re reading this, sorry to steal your thunder :p on the bright side, yours is paid leave and a well deserved one too…congrats on the awards!)
So here’s a great big welcome to taitaidom…
(Zain, please don’t cringe!)
this is my first attempt at blogging my life. yes, a blogging virgin, you might say. well, not entirely true - i started a few times but never got past the design stage. every single time, it felt like it was too time consuming. plus i wasn't too sure that others would really want to read about my life, and even if they did, would they even find it remotely interesting to keep them coming back for more? let's just say, it's not exactly bradelina or tomkat material!
now however, recent events in my life (well, actually just one main one) has left with quite a bit of time to spare. some self-imposed me-time more like, that really has got me thinking about life in general, where i come from, where i've been, where i'm headed, and where i'll end up. and all because of:
yes, that little blob you see is my little angel at 7 weeks, taken on 25 july 2006. i know it doesn't look like much but it's inside me and well...it's caused several changes to my life thus far. both good and bad.
don't get me wrong - this doesn't mean my life is a lot more interesting now. it just means i have a lot more time. a lot more than i did before and i reckon a lot more than i'll ever have again once the lil one arrives.
and who cares if no one reads my blog. it might be healing and do me some good ;)
